


To Be Free, You Have to Free Yourself

by FarAwayInWonderland



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Grief/Mourning, M/M, Marvey Fic Challenges
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-08 23:21:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4324737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FarAwayInWonderland/pseuds/FarAwayInWonderland
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“This,” Jessica announced and pointed at the edge of the roof as the wind ruffled through her hair. “This, Harvey, is your Mount Doom – and it is time to destroy the Ring.” Harvey´s eyes widened as he understood what she meant. </p><p>“Jessica,” he pleaded. “I-I-I can’t. Please, don’t make me do this.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Be Free, You Have to Free Yourself

**Author's Note:**

> So, I did the Marvey Fic Challenge #35 - Hearsay and this is the result. I really don’t know why everything I currently write is so sad. 
> 
> Say hello to me on [tumblr.](http://specter-und-ross.tumblr.com/)

There were many things that Jessica only knew from hearsay.

That people who went through tragic loss often repressed their emotions in order to not deal with them was one of them.

_“It’s easier to pretend that you’re fine,” her sister had told her once when they were eating. “Because then you don’t have to face the fact that something major in your life has irreversible changed and nothing you can do will change it. It’s to starve off the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to overtake you every time you are faced with what you lost. But to move forward you have to let go. To be free, you have to free yourself.”_

_“How would you know?” Jessica asked amused._

_“I had a psychology student here last week,” her sister smirked. “His girlfriend just left him and he drank so much that I had to call his roommate to come and take him home. While I cleaned the bar and he waited, he decided to lecture me about the fugacity of life and how commitment to fellow human beings was just a fruitless attempt at escaping the loneliness that is inherently in our souls.”_

As Jessica looked through the glass doors of Harvey´s office she thought back on that particular talk with her sister. Her second-in-command didn’t even attempt to pretend that he was working on something. He just sat there – a glass of scotch in one hand – and stared out of the window, down on the skyline of Manhattan. His face was a mask of blankness. It showed no emotions, as if an artist had carved it out of marble to imprison the desolate emptiness. Harvey´s eyes were devoid of any emotion.

“How long has he been like this?” Jessica asked Donna. The red-haired woman looked up, her gaze boring directly in Jessica’s. Donna’s careless and witty attitude had been muted over the last few weeks as her boss became more and more closed off and the life was seeping out of him.

“He trounced Tanner in court a few hours ago,” Donna answered. “He came back an hour ago, poured himself a glass and has been like that since then.” Jessica nodded.

“It can’t be easy for both of you,” Jessica commented. For a short moment there was a crack in Donna’s flawless mask. A flash of hurt in her eyes, her shoulders slumping down as she forced back a sob. But as fast as it had come it vanished again, leaving behind the secretary which every worker at Pearson & Specter feared and worshipped in equal measures.

“We manage,” the red-head said tonelessly and for the first time since Jessica knew Donna she could hear the lie in the other woman´s voice.

_It’s easier to pretend that you’re fine._

Jessica entered Harvey´s office. He tried to put on his mask for her – the Harvey full of himself, cocky, arrogant and clever – but she had been the one to teach him, so she saw easily trough him.

“Jessica, what can I do for you?” he asked with false cheer. Anybody else wouldn’t have noticed, but she wasn’t Name and Managing Partner for nothing. Jessica could see the brittleness of his smile and the lacking warmth in his gaze.

She sat down in one of his couches and looked at him. His face was paler than usual and under his eyes were bags from lack of sleep.

“How are you holding up?” she asked. Immediately Harvey´s face lost all of his false cheer.

“I´m fine,” he snapped at her. “And I would be even better if everyone would stop treating me like I was made of glass. I don’t break.”

“And I thought you of all people would know that,” he added.  

_Because then you don’t have to face the fact that something major in your life has irreversible changed and nothing you can do will change it._

“Bullshit,” Jessica said. “You are anything but fine. Do you know that the amount of billables you earn even surpasses Louis?”

“So,” Harvey shot back. “I thought you would be happy about it. No useless crying and emotional instability. Just more money and prestige for the firm. I don’t know what you see that you would think that there is anything wrong with that.”

“What I see is a friend that comes in earlier than anyone else because he can’t stand being in his empty condo anymore,” Jessica said firm but gentle. “What I see is someone who buries himself in work so that he doesn’t have to think about anything else than countless paragraphs of bylaws. What I see is a Name Partner that can’t even enter a certain office, afraid of what he would find there – or rather who he wouldn’t find there.” Harvey’s hands were shaking as he was gripping the glass of scotch so tight that his knuckles turned white. His gaze could have make Senior Partners quiver in fear, but Jessica was made of sterner stuff.

“I´m fine,” Harvey insisted. “I have to.”

_It’s to starve off the feeling of hopelessness that threatens to overtake you every time you are faced with what you lost._

“That´s bullshit and you know it,” Jessica interrupted him. “Do you know what I did when I heard the news?” Harvey looked up at her. “I smashed my glass against the wall – and another, and another until my whole kitchen floor was covered in shattered glass. And I screamed while I did it, because nobody deserves to go like this. Absolutely nobody. He and I may have never seen eye to eye, but at the end of the day I knew that he would have my back and it hurt like hell to loose someone like that. True loyalty like that is not easy to come by.”

Jessica swallowed hard. It was not easy to confess something like that – to open up about weakness of hers to others – but Harvey needed to hear what she was saying. He needed to know that he wasn’t alone.

Harvey looked down. When he met her gaze again his eyes were glistening with tears.

“I had the ring when the police called,” he whispered. “It was a simple silver band because I knew that he wouldn’t want anything fancy. He was like that. I had planned to make something to eat, open up his favourite red wine and then I’d go down on my knees and propose. But when they called and said –“ The first tears began to fall down “– that he had been stabbed the first thing I thought was ‘What about the ring?’

I still have it, you know? It´s in my jacket pocket. Even though he never had the chance to see it, it is like carrying a part of him with me. It´s so heavy sometimes. When I enter the condo –“ ‘The’ condo. Not ‘my’ or ‘ours’ Jessica noticed “– I can feel it getting heavier the nearer I come. It´s like in the Lord of the Rings, you know? The nearer Frodo gets to Mount Doom the heavier the ring becomes until it´s so unbearable that he can’t move forward.”

There were no tears coming anymore. Jessica laid a hand on Harvey´s knee. Both of them weren´t fans of physical comfort, but she needed to reassure Harvey.

“Come with me,” she said after a few minutes of silence. Harvey looked at her confused, but didn’t offer any resistance.

Jessica lead him up on the roof. So many emotion-loaded things happened here, it was only just that another one would be added soon.

“What are we doing here?” Harvey asked.

“This,” Jessica announced and pointed at the edge of the roof as the wind ruffled through her hair. “This, Harvey, is your Mount Doom – and it is time to destroy the Ring.” Harvey´s eyes widened as he understood what she meant.

“Jessica,” he pleaded. “I-I-I can’t. Please, don’t make me do this.”

“You cannot live like this forever, Harvey,” Jessica said. “Mike wouldn’t want you. He was the happiest person I knew. We as lawyers see so much shit but at the end of the day it was Mike who still smiled and helped those more unfortunate than him. He had so much love to give, so much passion, so much care. And if I know anything with absolute certainty than that Mike wouldn’t want you to live like this for the rest of your life. He would want you to be happy again. And maybe you can’t right now. But one day you will be able to think about him without the crippling pain in your heart. But you need to move on! For Mike!”

Harvey stood still. There was a fight behind those brown orbs going on and the result would decide if Harvey would be ever the same again. As the moments passed by Jessica feared that she had lost her gamble, but then Harvey took a step forward. And another, until he stood beside her at the edge of the roof, in one hand a simple black box.

“I won´t forget him,” Harvey whispered. “Never.”

“Nobody wants you to,” Jessica said gently. Harvey stretched out his hand. Even though they were in the midst of Manhattan there wasn’t a single noise. The world was holding its breath – or so it seemed – as a nondescript black box was held over the abyss. And then it fell.

_But to move forward you have to let go. To be free, you have to free yourself._

**Author's Note:**

> I know that you don't throw things off buildings, but it fit so perfect in the story. Sorry to all those unlucky pedestrians ;)


End file.
